I have a 15 year old son who attends high school in a different district, a white affluent district in the next town over. He has recently become sexually active. His dad is not interested in open dialogue, except to make demeaning comments objectifying women in the presence of his son.

So, obviously, it is my responsibility to not let these learning opportunities go by and I turn to the Internet for the feminist perspective since the feminist perspective is not where the current conversation is focused, either in my private conversations with my female friends or in or community dialogue.

Jesus. I am reeling from the dawning realization of my complicity in a system that marginalizes the fact that we live in a rape culture.

I am sad that I have not thought more about this in recent years, that i took the easier “middle” road that ultimately supports the objectification of women and excuses sexual assault.

It’s confusing. It also is forcing me to admit that I was raped. Fuck. I can’t really figure out how to talk about this now, it doesn’t feel simple. In fact, I am so confused about men and sex that I have chosen to remain single for the past three years. I’m 48 and the rape happened in my mid twenties, but my relationships since then have, for the most part, been rife with emotional abuse and relentless boundary crashing by pathologically insecure men.

Maybe I need to sort this out a bit and reconsider my internal dialogue which revolves around blaming myself for my choices.

I can’t really refuse to engage in some introspection around this issue if I am the only involved parent of a teenaged son, now can I?

So thanks for giving me a roadmap for discussions with him. He is reading these posts too, and he gets it and he wants to have these discussions with his friends. You articulate the truth about our culture so well. I am so grateful to have your blog as a resource.

Thanks.

i totally know what you’re talking about– the drive by feel of a “compliment” that seems to be either about:
1) rattling you by the unexpectedness IN ORDER TO make you uncomfortable (which is “cute”, gag)
2) flaunting how much space dudes can take up in public, and their ability and comfort with making their thoughts and intentions known.
3) defacto getting the last say, which is dominating

the drive by honk being the worst by doing all three. i can only guess that the people that liked the compliment-on-the-go thing got the sense that these were not the motivations for it (except maybe number 2, which could come off as well adjusted confidence if done right i guess.)

also, menfolk: notice the COMPLETE LACK of stories that go like this:

“i was walking down the street feeling good/fine/normal/lousy/awful, when some dude commands me to “SMILE!” Then i realized that smiling is great and i was wrong for not knowing when to do it (answer: always) and was so glad that i had made him happier by performing happiness for him.